Becoming a foster carer is a decision you make as a family.
Everyone needs to be on board.
When you foster, your children will foster too. They will play a key role in the fostering household. It means extending your family and adding more people to love and care for.
Your children should be included at all stages of the fostering process, including discussing what age of children you’ll foster. Often, fostering works best when the foster children are not the same age as your own children.
Most foster carers are approved for children aged 0-18 years but with a preference of a specific age range. At Foster Wales, we work closely with you to agree on the ages of the children that would best fit in with your family circumstances to match the right child with the right foster family.
Marie, along with her husband Mark and their two daughters Eleri and Catrin, have been fostering with their local authority Foster Wales Conwy since 2019. The family have chosen to foster younger children for now to fit in with the dynamics of the home and the age of their own children, who are now 15 and 13.
Explaining fostering to your own children
Children come into care for many different reasons. Explaining in the best age-appropriate way why foster carers are needed will help your children understand why you want to foster. With older children you can be more open when explaining how the foster care system works and the need for more foster families.
“We have always been open and honest with our daughters about fostering,” Marie said.
“We have explained the different reasons and scenarios why children may need foster care. But they’ve never known details and backgrounds of the children that we have fostered. They don’t need to know that. All they know is that their birth families still love them and that we are just helping them until they can be back together again.”
The first days of fostering
Welcoming your first foster child to your home can be both exciting and daunting. Those first few weeks as a foster family is a big adjustment for the whole family. Babies and young children in particular often arrive at very short notice, which can be overwhelming, like Marie’s first experience.
“Our fostering journey began as a bit of a whirlwind. I remember going to panel on a Tuesday and within two days, a sibling group of two, under 2 years old, arrived!
Our daughters were really excited about fostering. As a childminder, they’ve never known the house without babies and young children in it. This was another factor in choosing to foster younger children.
But the excitement was a bit much for my eldest at first. As we had babies in the house, they’d cry. They don’t always settle. They don’t always respond to being held and cuddled, and she found that hard, especially when they didn’t settle when she held them.
I told her to take some time out and leave the babies alone for a bit. I think the build up and excitement of them arriving, and then the reality of them being here, was a lot to take in at first.
But after that first little wobble, everything settled down
Those first few weeks is a bombardment of telephone calls, meetings and appointments, which is overwhelming. But you soon find your feet, your own routine. You stop second-guessing yourself and just get on with it!”
Ensuring quality time with your own children
Fostering babies and younger children in particular can take up a lot of your time. Some will need additional level of care due to unmet health needs. It’s therefore important that you continue to make time for your own children. Ensure that they don’t feel excluded and that they still feel special.
“We’ve always ensured that our daughters have never had to make any major sacrifices because we foster – I guess the biggest sacrifice they’ve had to make is having to share my time, but we work around that.
Babies and younger children are usually in bed by 7. This then gives us some one-on-one time in the evenings to spend with our daughters, which is another reason why fostering younger children works better for us as a family.
It’s also easier for babies and younger children to fit around our own children’s hobbies and interests. I’ve never stopped going to watch my daughters doing their sports activites at the weekends just because we foster – I just take the little ones with me in the pram or buggy.”
There are also many moments in fostering where it can bring you closer together as a family, as Marie shares.
“When we had the two young siblings, one of the first things we’d do when the girls came home from school is sit together in the lounge chatting about the day whilst we gave the little ones their bottles.”
When foster children move on
Marie and the family do short term fostering, which can range from just a single night to a few weeks, to several months, or as long as two years. Saying goodbye to a foster child is never easy, no matter how long they’ve been in your lives, as Marie explains.
“When they leave, it’s heart-breaking. You’ve invested so much time into these children. You’ve loved them from day one.
Our first foster children, the two young siblings, lived with us for 11 months before they went back to their birth family, Although it was so hard to see them leave, it was the successful outcome that we really wanted for them.
We’ve been lucky as we’ve seen successful outcomes for all of our foster children where they have all returned to their birth families. We’ve worked closely with all of them and have always involved our daughters in those relationships.
We still see the children that have left and continue to help and support the families out when they need us, which is lovely for us all, especially for our girls. We have found that the families are so grateful for everything we’ve done and I’m so glad that we’ve formed such a good relationship with them and feel very fortunate that they remain in our lives.
To me, fostering is all about reuniting families and I will always do what I can to make that happen.
We have a little girl who recently came to live with us and she’s already a huge part of our lives. You build such a strong attachment during those first few days so when they leave, it is always going to be hard.”
Foster children leave for good reasons
It’s important to prepare your own children to the fact that their foster siblings will move on at some point and that they understand that when they leave, they leave for good, positive reasons.
“Our daughters have always understood and accepted that the children who come to live with us will eventually go back to their families whenever possible, which is where they should be. They understand that they are never ours to keep and that we are just helping them and their families to be together again.
I think it is much easier for our daughters to deal with the foster children leaving than it is for us as adults. Of course they miss them but life goes back to normal for them quite quickly as they go to school the next day and carry on with their busy lives. Children are resilient and they just cope whereas I feel totally lost when they first leave.
But you will get that phone call soon afterwards to take on another child so your mind will be occupied quite quickly!”
Take time to reflect and discuss feelings
“We always make sure that we do something special as a family every time a foster child moves on. We’ll go for a nice meal or a weekend away where we spend time talking about the foster children and reflect on their time with us.
We also take this time to discuss openly about how we feel about fostering and we always ask the girls if they want to carry on.
It has to feel right for everyone.”
The impact of fostering on your family
Fostering can and does have a positive impact on everyone in the household. Children who are involved in fostering develop strong caring and empathy skills, and gives them valuable life insights. They will also benefit from lifelong friendships with many of the children they have cared for and with children of other local foster carers.
“Fostering is really impactful,” Marie said.
“It has done my children the world of good. It has shaped their personalities. They’ve grown up so much, made sacrifices and gained valuable life skills.
Practical skills like how to change a nappy, how to feed and hold a baby. They will help around the house, clear the toys at the end of the day and play with the litte ones whilst I make tea.
But it’s much more than that. It’s the way they feel about other children and their awareness of why you shouldn’t judge anyone. They’ve come to understand the stigma around children in foster care and how it needs to be addressed in society.
My eldest daughter has done a few of her assignments in school around fostering and recently did her GCSE oral English presentation on how fostering should be educated in schools – all using her own initiative.
My daughers love fostering and they enjoy meeting up with children of other local foster carers, which is important for them.”
You need a big heart
Foster carers come from all types of different backgrounds, lifestyles and family units. You don’t need to have children of your own to foster. What matters most are the skills, the outlook and the experience you bring. So, what does Marie consider the most essential personal qualities that make a great foster family?
“You don’t need to be a special person or family to foster.
All you need is some time, space in your home and a big, BIG heart.
People will often say things to me like ‘what you’re doing is amazing’ or ‘these children are so lucky to have you’.
But I don’t see it like that at all.
I feel like we are the lucky ones to have these children in our lives.”
Could you foster, like Marie and her family?
If you live in Conwy, contact Foster Wales Conwy and a member of our dedicated team will be in touch for a friendly, no obligation conversation to help you decide if fostering is right for you.
If you live anywhere else in Wales, visit Foster Wales for more information and to find your local authority fostering team.
